nexusafterdeath | A sorrowful karma is reflected on the water

A sorrowful karma is reflected on the water

[One moment they were standing in murder village, the next they'd arrived back in the Citadel in a blink. It was late, late enough they'd already prepared and dressed for bed, so luckily no one was around to see how upset they both were by what had transpired before their return home.

Or to see how Yasu basically rams into Kashuu in a clinging hug as soon as he realizes they're back in their room.

Hi, that sucked.]

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["Hi, that sucked" indeed.

Even though he knows from experience, from so very long ago when he was killed in that place for the very first time, that it's fine (this isn't even the first time Yasusada's died there, he thinks, just the first time during a game instead of as the end, maybe), he lifts his arms as best he can within that hug and feels at his partner's neck for any sign of the hanging he'd had.

And then he clings back, burying his face almost in Yasusada's neck and trying to get a hand into his hair.

They aren't alone anymore; he's here. He's here, and he's so close to losing control and crying on Yasusada.]

[Good thing Kashuu seems to be just as in need of contact as Yasusada is, at the moment, because he clings tight, curling his arms around Kashuu as he's occasionally prone to doing when he's distressed after a nightmare. And that's kind of what it was, wasn't it? For both of them--

It was such a stupid, stupid game and usually Yasasada didn't mind so much, even enjoyed the times he could win with Kashuu, but at the moment he hated that it could dredge up these feelings.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry--

[The words are said over and over, muffled into Kashuu's shoulder and into his hair, because there's nothing he can say that conveys how much he didn't want Kashuu to have to deal with that feeling, even temporarily.

Being left behind and being the one forced to leave-- both were such terrible feelings.]

[A nightmare seems like a good description, considering what his are about. Maybe if he holds Yasusada for long enough he can feel the once broken pieces shift back into place because he hates that game. It's making others break even temporarily, but it's how to leave and–

He tries to shake his head against Yasusada's shoulder, summoning up the effort for a smile.] Stupid. Wasn't your fault.

[And how can he really listen to Yasusada's babbled apologies when at least when Yasusada left like that, he could come back.

He could come back, and he did, and that's almost too much for his brain to process.

(there's a whisper wondering if this is how he would have reacted all those years ago, if he'd returned and been just as bloody as the rest of that group instead of broken. But it's an impossible thought. Kashuu Kiyomitsu broke back then, and neither of them can change that.)

Kashuu tightens his grip.]

Wasn't your fault. You're back. You're back... [He can tell that whatever he says next will start the tears he'd managed to hold back, so he pets Yasusada's hair. Maybe he'll stop apologizing.

When both sides are the same, almost, and happening at once–he can't stand it. No one else should break.]

[Yasusada isn't even managing to hold the tears back, sorry Kashuu. His hair and shoulder is probably going to get a little damp, but Yasusada has never been good at this whole emotions thing, and times like this were the worst.

The events of the game and his talk with Renne had picked at old wounds, and now that he's back with Kashuu he can't help it.]

I didn't want you to ever-- I never--

[He clings a little tighter, his words cut off as his voice cracks.]

I was stupid.

[Can any of them really claim to be good at emotions? Sure he knows what one form of love is, but look where that's gotten them. Other times he's clutching at his chest and just saying it hurts, but Yasusada is there now--

And he's crying, and that's enough for Kashuu to start.]

I never-- Not in that game or, or ever-- [He can't even be that bothered by how his face is right now with the tears leaking from his eyes and how he's gasping in small little hiccups as he cries. Yasusada's seen him worse, and he's also crying. It doesn't matter this time.

Besides, if he said that he thinks Kashuu looks good in whatever, he can deal with him right after he's been crying.]

Not again. [He's not sure what he means by that, which one of them leaving.]

They just chose you, not me. [He can get that out clearly at least. If that's why Yasusada's calling himself stupid, he shouldn't be.]

[It's true, they weren't-- and right now, they were both a bit of a mess, to put it mildly.

Yasusada didn't have to think about how lonely he'd been after Kashuu had broken when he was right there by his side now, but seeing Kashuu's reaction from the graveyard combined with Renne's words had dug up painful, unpleasant feelings. He'd made Kashuu feel that. Even temporarily he'd made him feel that, and...

It felt shameful and painful in a way he couldn't explain in words.]

I left you alone!!! If I'd just talked to you and planned better, I wouldn't have--

[Wouldn't have screwed up, wouldn't have made Kashuu make that face, wouldn't have left him seeking a fight as the only way to deal with it.]

You wouldn't have--!

["He's never left me behind. Not like that person did."

"...So, I guess you were betrayed too."]

Like my side of history is any better for you?

[Waiting for someone to come back was something they'd both experienced, until Kiyomitsu...couldn't. To put it lightly. It's stayed with him, in how he's acted and dressed, because even if he gets hurt too badly, if they love him, he's not going to be disposed of again, right?

He's not going to have to leave the others again, and be alone, and force them to be alone, again, right?

He's not going to let anyone break if he can help it, but in that place, even though they come back fine after the game ends, it being Yasusada--

He'd rather it be himself, and that scares him. It's way too selfish, even if it means Yasusada doesn't have to see him break from something else.]

If we're going to blame people, then don't just put it all on yourself! You're back, shouldn't we--

[They need to stop. Stop focusing on the past, no matter how far away it is. It's something they can learn from but-- Yasusada beating himself up over things they could have done better so that that wouldn't have happened won't help, not now.

Can't they just focus on the fact that Yasusada isn't actually gone? His fingers dig tighter into Yasusada, like he wants to confirm that, even though he's yelling at him.

He presses his face into Yasusada.] ...You're back. [This...isn't a time to complain about how he showed himself to the maf crew. Maybe when he isn't starting it with their history.]

[Kashuu's first words are like a slap, and Yasusada stiffens even as his fingers dig harshly into the fabric of Kashuu's clothing, clinging tighter. Of course it isn't, that's why it hurt, damn it!! That's--

He leans back just enough to look Kashuu in the eye, balancing somewhere precariously between angry, frustrated, hurt and sad.]

Of course it isn't! That's exactly why, you idiot! You already-- You were gone, and I missed-- It hurt so much.

[Even just talking about it was hard. His voice cracks, raw with emotion he can't bottle up, his chest heaving, because he needs Kashuu to understand, needs him to--]

After everything, you shouldn't have to deal with that side of it, too!!! Not ever!

[It was the very last thing Yasusada wanted. Renne was right, in a way-- it felt like a betrayal. Bad enough Kashuu carried those feelings of abandonment with him like scars, he didn't need a taste of this side too.

Feelings were hard, but for someone as painfully loyal as Yasusada, it was even worse to know he'd caused this.]

[Even as Yasusada's leaning away, Kashuu's grip is still there and as strong as ever because he's not letting him go.]

And how is it fair for you to go through that again?! Those were the options! [It doesn't really matter that no one had voted for him that day. They'd messed up, so those were the options.]

Idiot. As long as you're showing up in that place, this would have happened someday, if I was working with you or not! It just, sucked. Since we were and...we're never really not, are we? [They'll always have each others backs there, right?

He doesn't want to let go of him, and looking down doesn't feel quite right but...Tentatively, he starts running the fingers of the one hand through Yasusada's hair.]

Just make sure I don't have to go through it when we're--[here] not there. I'll do the same, okay? [His eyes must be red where they feel itchy from the crying...he hates it. Especially since now Yasusada's actually looking at him, but. Meeting his eyes is the best way to make sure that Yasusada knows just how serious he is about that.

They're always going to be on each other's side, so...don't actually leave him. He's not fine even with the mafia death. He's not as fragile a blade as he was at that time, but he feels pretty fragile right now.

This is why he'd always insisted it was a possibility.]

You don't know that. If I'd lied better or planned ahead, we could have fooled them like we always do!

[They were always good at working together during these games, and last time had been an unfortunate deviation from the usual for them. Yasusada had gotten complacent, smug even, and he'd paid for it.

No, Kashuu had paid for it, and that felt worse to Yasusada. Normally, the feeling of Kashuu's fingers running through his hair was soothing, and it almost was, might have calmed him at least a little....

But then he had to go and say that. Like always, the mere hint of such a possibility draws a harsh denial from Yasusada, his personal comforting reality suddenly less secure than before with just that fact being shoved in his face. Anyone in the citadel breaking would be terrible, but Kashuu--

It just wasn't allowed. He jerks away now, not even paying attention to the discomfort when the action causes his hair to tangle painfully on Kashuu's fingers. This time Yasusada is the one to avoid Kashuu's gaze, eyes squeezing shut as tears leak out anew.]

Stop talking like that!! Stop talking like it's going to happen, Kiyomitsu!!! Just stop!!

[Even the hinted possibility drew a visceral rejection. It's logical, understandable really, to do whatever they could to avoid such a thing, and Yasusada was always doing his best to get stronger. But talking about it was another thing entirely.]

Because we messed up, those were the options. Better? [How many times is he going to have to repeat that the fault in that isn't just Yasusada's?

Yasusada jerks away and Kashuu tries not to get his fingers caught too badly because that hurts, but then he's reaching for one of Yasusada's wrists to hold it.

He's able to talk about it like that because of how many times he's been to that place and– oh.

That's it, isn't it. He's fine talking about the fact that they can break, that he did once, if only to deflect or to help others but...

He'd said it. He's been there for so much longer than Yasusada.]

Oi, Yasusada. You...know I never– That's–

[What exactly is he supposed to do when he's made Yasusada cry?

He moves his thumb over Yasusada's wrist.]

...I won't talk like that again. Can you face me? [He sounds so weak, and he hates it, but how else could he really react to seeing Yasusada like this? He started crying because Kashuu brought it up as a possibility.

Just...cry on him, or something. Don't hide from him or put barriers up.]

[Yasusada doesn't have it in him to pull away further. As much as he doesn't want to linger close when he's talking like that, he never, ever wants Kashuu away from him, especially right now. Instead he hunches in on himself like a frightened child, shaking his head in denial.

He knows Kashuu didn't want to break again. But he kept talking like it was a possibility, and Yasusada--

He couldn't lose him, couldn't even deal with the possibility. Not again. Losing him, watching Okita-kun waste away helplessly soon after, being left completely alone, abandoned and without even a purpose, it had been too much.

Having him back like this was like a missing, crucial piece had slotted back into place, and as much of a miracle as it was, he couldn't lose that now.

Anyone in the Citadel breaking would be horrible. Every single one of his comrades were precious to him. But Kashuu just couldn't, because the reality if he did was too much for Yasusada to handle without breaking in another, slower, and less physical way.

It takes a few moments of shaky breathing for Yasusada to compose himself enough to look up, the feel of the thumb at his wrist over his rapid, panicky pulse oddly focusing, and he doesn't want him to sound like that, pleading and weak and like--

This was such a mess. If Kashuu had just let him apologize...

Yasusada finally, slowly glances up, blue eyes rimmed red from all the crying he's done. This was a mess. He was a mess. He'd never been as concerned as Kashuu with his own looks, but he felt like a mess.]

....You can't. You just can't, ok?

[His voice is small and pleading, expression desperate. You can't leave me again. Not forever, not again.]

[This is a mess. Both of them, and how they can't just talk about things. It'd taken Yasusada "dying" in that game for them to get to this– or would he have just needed to say that again, for this part? He's not sure.

He still doesn't like it. They aren't like this, fragile and able to be knocked over by the wrong word—Yasusada shouldn't be like this right now. And he caused it. He's the one who hurt his partner like this.

He swallows, continuing to rub his thumb against the other sword's wrist as he meets his eyes.]

I won't. I don't want anyone else to, don't want you to, either.

[He wants to tell him, but...their time spent in that place is on his mind, and this isn't the time for it, if they'll have a time that'll work for him saying it.

–saying "don't want" doesn't count as talking about that, does it? ...if it does then Yasusada's going to be upset again, probably. They're a mess.

Still, he's going to reach out to try and bring Yasusada back, pressing their foreheads together.]

...I won't. And you won't. [But he almost sounds like he needs convincing of that.

They're together again, in this Citadel, and he would fight fang and claw to keep them like this. Yasusada isn't the only one who would break in a nonphysical way if he lost the other. That game should have shown him that.

He was only that polite because he knew they probably were just seeing it as the game.

The hand in Yasusada's hair gets through those tangles and slips free so he can rub under those tear-reddened eyes.]

Okay? [He still sounds too soft for his own comfort (what if Yasusada figures it out? ...Somehow.) but being sharp... This isn't the time for that either.]

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A sorrowful karma is reflected on the water

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